Am I Blue

Everyone has a down day and this is mine.

Admittedly, my down days are much better than most people's...

- I'm not in bed crying

- I'm not binge-eating (well, I am sorta doing this)

- I'm not thinking this is the end of the world

What I am having difficulty doing is finding purpose in my life. Sadly, I'm driven by having things to get done. I'm task and goal oriented. But, I have nothing purposeful to contribute in the situation where I'm at. And, this has to change.

My situation is half work and half personal. So please indulge me while I explain.

My work is dissatisfying because the place is dysfunctional and the bright side is everyone with whom I work has the same complaints - so I'm not really crazy. But, I've come to the conclusion its not really fixable and that's bringing me down. I've started applying at other places, but am getting discouraged after having initial calls and then getting rejected. So, clearly, there's something in my current psyche that is affecting my projected persona. Got another rejection today after what I felt was a really good interview with a company I really wanted to be apart of.

My personal life is blah. Not bad, but nothing exciting or interesting or motivating happening there. I know I need to cultivate some friendships and open up new channels which would help on this side of me. Like a lot of long-time couples, our interactions aren't very stimulating... in fact, boring has become our way of life. That suits my other half just fine. When I try to discuss my feelings, I just get a rye face of dismissal. Clearly no help is coming from this direction.

I ran into a good friend today who is struggling with elder care for her mother-in-law, empty nest issues and has a new grandchild coming in a month, where she has committed to come care of the two siblings after the new baby is born and she's so exhausted, she isn't even looking forward to it. She looked so stressed out it broke my heart.  All I could do was give her a big hug, in fact I gave her two!

I have another friend with whom I talk every day in a mostly one-way conversation about the stresses she's enduring. When I interject something about my life, she's quick to end the call or change the topic back to her own problems. These daily calls are doing nothing to improve my life. At first, I felt I was being a helpful friend (actually we are related). But, now its clear I'm only the enabler and I need to exit this toxic relationship for my own sake. I know her troubles are real and I feel for her. I don't want to completely cut off our relationship, but with her it is all or nothing, as I've witnessed her do with others. If I'm honest with myself I know I'm hanging on hoping something good will occur for her -- in this case get a full time job -- which will not allow her the time to continue these ongoing, endless diatribes of woe.

Lastly, I recently gave notice to end my presidency of the board of directors for a local charity, where I've been volunteering for many years. Despite my best efforts to right the ship, its obvious the only remedy is firing the current CEO. I have no problem firing an under-performing employee.  My problem was she's skillfully hidden all the information necessary to enable the organization to carry on without her. This has caused the charity to lapse in mandatory reporting requirements to the national organization, as well as incurring debt in late charter fees. The only path forward I can see is to dissolve the charity and reformulate it by starting over. Unfortunately the oversight of doing so would fall to the board president. I'm not able to do this given I work full-time and honestly don't have all the information I'd need to satisfy the commitments made by the current CEO. So, my only recourse was to resign. Unfortunately, the CEO is refusing to accept my resignation and keeps acting like nothing has changed. I've made clear my position to the national organization staff, but they too want me to remain. Of course they do! They need someone to take the reins and to be accountable.

All in all, much of this can be easily resolved by saying NO!

And, by getting new interests where I receive as much as give.

Finally, I miss my mother who passed away in August 2018. I talked with Mom every day and would discuss all these things wither her. She'd share her wisdom and would provide support for which there is no replacement. It's in times like these that I miss her so very much. (tears coming...)

Helps some to write it all down.