Forgiveness is Food for the Soul

Came across a meme today that stated...

Today I decided to forgive you. 

Not because you apologized, or because you acknowledge the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deserves peace.

How true this is!

I've always known I have a soul. I've felt it all my life. I'm connected with my soul, making me a compassionate and empathetic person.

I've been blessed to have very few people actually hurt me. And, being human, I've carried ill feelings toward those people. That is until I gave it up to allow God or the universe or whatever power levels out the negative and positive energy surrounding every living being.

But, there was one person I found difficult to release my negativity toward. The general attitude toward this guy by those who encountered him is negative. People who witnessed what he did to me reassured me his actions were unfair, unwarranted, and overall unpleasant to the organization, not just to me. So the flames of malcontent toward this person kept my own negativity alive and well. And festering for years.

A few months ago I ran into this fellow at an industry meeting. My immediate reaction was negative as all the old feelings zoomed to the surface (I hadn't seen him since the personal incident.) But, I noticed I was sitting slightly behind him. It seemed he was uncomfortable, and I assumed it was because of seeing me.

So, I decided it was time to let this go.

At the next break, I went over and extended my hand to him.

With a moment's hesitation, he took it.

Niceties were exchanged and we parted.

I felt so much better. The Bogyman was let out of the cage and what was left was just another person. Fascinatingly, after we did this, he was much more relaxed as he listened from his seat. Clearly, my perception that I was making him uncomfortable wasn't wrong. And, now we both had peace.

Peace.

The ultimate reward.

Office Politics are Ugly

America is completely tangled up in the upcoming election. It's all you hear or read about. But there is another type of politics going on in our work places.

I've never been good at office politics.

I attribute this to not caring much about what others think, and simultaneously being too eager to please. I have my mother to thank for embedding these traits into my psyche. She taught me that hard work was its own reward and that by doing hard work, you would be noticed.

Well, dear mom got that partially right.

Taking pride in my work is one reason why people seek me out, because my work products are always top quality. But, the next reaction is where things get ugly fast. Once your work quality is noticed, it becomes a magnet that attracts those who aren't putting in their best effort. They suddenly want you to do their work for them. Oh yes, they come loaded with praise and other flattery about showing them how you do it, teaching them or mentoring them, or helping them with a project they just can't figure out because you're so good at this.

What I wish mom had taught me was how to say no in an appropriate manner. I'm much better at it now in my last gasps of my career, but it is still very hard to do without insulting the person asking. You see, now that they have offered-up praise and adoration, you are supposed to capitulate by doing what they're asking of you.

My fall-back excuse is the calendar... "Oh, sorry, I'm working on something that's due tomorrow and just don't have any time to spare."

This is a bs response and I know it. I'd rather be upfront and able to say... "So glad you've noticed my work excellence, which I truly appreciate. I'd be happy to recommend some courses you should take to bring your game up to par." Or something more honest.

Then there are other low-lying career sinkers lurking in the office. Worse of all are the passive-aggressive coworkers upon whom you must rely and they know they hold all the cards. No matter how much you appeal to them, they will never give up their knowledge, which is the source of their power. I recall asking the office expert for his input on a recommendation I was preparing to present to management. Getting his apparent agreement, I ran with it. But, in the presentation, this same expert opposed my recommendation based on facts he had not shared with me. Afterward, I confronted him and got the response, "You didn't ask me about that." In other words, he only answered the questions I asked, but did not provide me with any other information I needed to know. It was his little game. He played it with everyone. (Which was my saving grace - when I said I'd checked with the expert, everyone knew what had happened. I never let that happen to me again!)

Now I've found myself in another situation where my lead is a micro-manager. He's become a bottleneck to me getting my work done. Worse of all, he is blocking me from getting any visibility and has placed himself in the position of controlling all perception of my work value. In other words, my job is dependent upon keeping him happy with me. But, I have no idea what he thinks because he won't share that with me. We work in a flat organization and its clear there's no other person who will be involved in making career decisions about me.

I know in this situation I have two options only... stay or leave. That's all I control and it's making me very unhappy. I really like this company and the work we do. I believe we are making a difference. But, I feel invisible and don't trust my lead enough to be able to relax. It feels like a boulder is hanging over me at all times. I have confirmed I'm not alone in this situation, which adds more validity to my concerns. I know two people who were released with a moment's notice. They told me no reason was given as they were escorted from the building.

The problem with leaving is starting over again in learning who you can trust and who are the snakes in the new environment. It's so exhausting.

Am I Blue

Everyone has a down day and this is mine.

Admittedly, my down days are much better than most people's...

- I'm not in bed crying

- I'm not binge-eating (well, I am sorta doing this)

- I'm not thinking this is the end of the world

What I am having difficulty doing is finding purpose in my life. Sadly, I'm driven by having things to get done. I'm task and goal oriented. But, I have nothing purposeful to contribute in the situation where I'm at. And, this has to change.

My situation is half work and half personal. So please indulge me while I explain.

My work is dissatisfying because the place is dysfunctional and the bright side is everyone with whom I work has the same complaints - so I'm not really crazy. But, I've come to the conclusion its not really fixable and that's bringing me down. I've started applying at other places, but am getting discouraged after having initial calls and then getting rejected. So, clearly, there's something in my current psyche that is affecting my projected persona. Got another rejection today after what I felt was a really good interview with a company I really wanted to be apart of.

My personal life is blah. Not bad, but nothing exciting or interesting or motivating happening there. I know I need to cultivate some friendships and open up new channels which would help on this side of me. Like a lot of long-time couples, our interactions aren't very stimulating... in fact, boring has become our way of life. That suits my other half just fine. When I try to discuss my feelings, I just get a rye face of dismissal. Clearly no help is coming from this direction.

I ran into a good friend today who is struggling with elder care for her mother-in-law, empty nest issues and has a new grandchild coming in a month, where she has committed to come care of the two siblings after the new baby is born and she's so exhausted, she isn't even looking forward to it. She looked so stressed out it broke my heart.  All I could do was give her a big hug, in fact I gave her two!

I have another friend with whom I talk every day in a mostly one-way conversation about the stresses she's enduring. When I interject something about my life, she's quick to end the call or change the topic back to her own problems. These daily calls are doing nothing to improve my life. At first, I felt I was being a helpful friend (actually we are related). But, now its clear I'm only the enabler and I need to exit this toxic relationship for my own sake. I know her troubles are real and I feel for her. I don't want to completely cut off our relationship, but with her it is all or nothing, as I've witnessed her do with others. If I'm honest with myself I know I'm hanging on hoping something good will occur for her -- in this case get a full time job -- which will not allow her the time to continue these ongoing, endless diatribes of woe.

Lastly, I recently gave notice to end my presidency of the board of directors for a local charity, where I've been volunteering for many years. Despite my best efforts to right the ship, its obvious the only remedy is firing the current CEO. I have no problem firing an under-performing employee.  My problem was she's skillfully hidden all the information necessary to enable the organization to carry on without her. This has caused the charity to lapse in mandatory reporting requirements to the national organization, as well as incurring debt in late charter fees. The only path forward I can see is to dissolve the charity and reformulate it by starting over. Unfortunately the oversight of doing so would fall to the board president. I'm not able to do this given I work full-time and honestly don't have all the information I'd need to satisfy the commitments made by the current CEO. So, my only recourse was to resign. Unfortunately, the CEO is refusing to accept my resignation and keeps acting like nothing has changed. I've made clear my position to the national organization staff, but they too want me to remain. Of course they do! They need someone to take the reins and to be accountable.

All in all, much of this can be easily resolved by saying NO!

And, by getting new interests where I receive as much as give.

Finally, I miss my mother who passed away in August 2018. I talked with Mom every day and would discuss all these things wither her. She'd share her wisdom and would provide support for which there is no replacement. It's in times like these that I miss her so very much. (tears coming...)

Helps some to write it all down.

The Value of Nice

When I was younger, I had an edge...

You know, other people didn't quite know if I was to be approached or not. I had the look of someone who had their act together and didn't care what anyone else thought.

Then I lost it.

I ran into two colleagues who decided to take me down.

And it got ugly.

So, I lost my persona and had to rebuild.

The rebuilding was an interesting process as I couldn't compile what I'd lost because my inner self had been injured. I needed to regain my confidence, but in a way that didn't invite the vicious attack I'd just experienced.

I think I concocted a new persona that was too nice.

My new self skirted the middle ground, championing the under dog and becoming a voice for those who needed help to be heard. Through hard work, I honed my professional credibility and rose to the rank of executive, which let me stand-up to injustices in the workplace -- winning me the admiration of the workforce. But, labeling me a non-player in the executive race to the top.

In looking back, this begs the question, "am I too nice?"

The reason for this reflection is based on a conversation I had with someone who said she's being told in various job interviews the candidate must be nice. How can you tell if someone is nice or not nice in a one hour job interview? I don't think its possible. And, I definitely doubt nice is a leadership attribute. I think it may be for a receptionist who deals with outsiders for a living. But, in my thinking the leaders must be brutal when needed, hard-charging to push organizational change, and passionate about their team members. Where does nice come to play?

I don't have the answer, but I do know one thing. Being nice isn't the same as being respectful, courteous, or even kind. These are leadership attributes I value.

Centering Myself

It is a beautiful winter day.

The sunshine is flooding my living room.

My husband is sleeping on the couch.

I'm bored.

It is a beautiful winter day.

The light is calling me to come outside.

I take the dog on a long walk.

I feel better.

It is a beautiful winter day.

My Love on Valentine's Day

I was eighteen when I met the love of my life.

Now I'm looking back through the tunnel of time and am amazed to see how quickly time has passed since the first time I saw him. Accounting for our time together, let's see...

• I'm still with the boy I fell in love with all those years ago - Score one for us!
• We still enjoy doing things together - Score another one for us!
• We share great pride in how well our children have turned out - Score again!
• We live a comfortable lifestyle without worries about safety or having enough money to pay our bills - Score!

My mother never like the boy I love. But he was good to her.

He is good to me.

At times, I wish to change things about him.

Haven't been able to do it yet in all these years.

Why in the world would I want to change him when he's been my perfect life-mate?

If he hadn't been, we'd be in a very different place.

Light bulb going off!

Going to give him a big hug now.

Spring is Coming, but Where are We Headed?

We are now in the part of the annual cycle that gets me really excited... the days are getting longer and I feel my energy growing too.

Starting every mid-February, the mornings are lighter and the evenings come later, and I am so happy. Yes, there are still cold days ahead. Yes, we could still get snow. But, Spring is definitely on its way.

I live in the mid-Atlantic region and we have, so far, been spared the worst wintry weather. It's been too mild and I know we will pay later with increased bugs. We may still lose buds on the trees and sprouting bulbs that are poking their way through the ground that never really froze this winter. But, the chances diminish with every day that passes.

But my excitement only goes so far.

I am fearful about humans surviving extreme weather changes that are bound to come. It confounds me that people are more greedy and lazy than willing to do what is necessary to stave-off eventual disaster. I guess people aren't as smart as we like to think we are.

I've seen articles stating we only have 10 years left before the really extreme events start... but aren't we seeing them already? So far in 2020, there have been 1,492 earthquakes of magnitude 6 or above. As of January 14th, the Australian bush fire has burnt an estimated 46 million acres -- that is 72,000 square miles -- and has destroyed nearly 6,000 buildings and has killed at least 34 people.

Every day I pray for someone to do something that wakes up the masses and gets us to seriously confront our possible demise.

Oh, Greta is trying and I love her for it.

Perhaps in the ultimate scheme of things, human beings aren't going to survive, but Earth does and paradise is restored.

Hmmm

Families are for Love (Unpublished from 2018, now sharing)

I recently lost my dear mother-in-law.

Her death is in itself devastating.  The chain of events that culminated in her death still confounds me. The loss of this loving person in my life is huge.

And, I realize this is normal.

What's not normal is the lasting rift in our family, which started several years ago and ultimately contributed to a selfish, impulsive decision that cost my mother-in-law her life.

One of the things in my life that I cherished was our family.  This is really my husband's family, but they became mine a long time ago, even before my marriage to their son.  My husband's parents took me into their hearts and encircled me with so much love, people frequently asked me if they were my parents.  Yes, they actually were.  They said so.  How lucky I've been to have two sets of parents.

Recent years haven't been easy for my in-laws, who were dealing with advanced age and associated issues, such as memory loss.  This is when the family needs to come together and help make decisions that would honor our parents' wishes and would be focused on making their lives easier and worth living.

Then the unthinkable happened.

The youngest child was given power over the parents' medical and financial decisions.  The reasoning that she lived closest to her parents and saw them most frequently certainly was true, but the fact that she had always lived an entitled life by taking advantage of her parents' generosity should have been considered. Sadly, critical decisions since have been made emotionally and impulsively with a deaf ear to any of our input.

The list of tragic results of poor decision-making keeps getting longer, as I said culminating with the decision to put my mother-in-law in hospice on a morphine drip to slow and stop her breathing... even though she wasn't dying.  And her burial was rushed to fit into schedules, no even allowing her husband of 72 years to attend (because he was hospitalized, and this couldn't wait to give him time to be there.)

Worse even than this is how after this horrendous event two months ago, it's like she never existed.  No talk of her.  No mourning. The attitude is "that's done and over with!" After a lifetime of taking care of the family and even raising the sister's own kids, not to feel anything is making my head explode.

I realize this is MY problem - that I'm inferring my feelings on to her.  But, I've never seen such hard-hearted behavior. My in-laws lived for the family, they imparted that on all of us.  Yet, our questions, suggestions, concerns and objections are seen as an affront to her power, as being non-differential to her position to make all decisions unilaterally.  That's part of the problem - she wasn't supposed to make these decisions alone.  It was to be a family matter. Alas, things haven't turned out that way.

I'm learning the hard way people will take power and do with it as they will.  It's been really ugly, compounded by the eldest sibling's earnest belief we must support her decisions because it's so hard on her, and she's going through so much. Together, they've essentially shutout my husband and my from the family.  To what end?  Because they seem to love power more than family.

So sad.

I'm Back!

I stopped writing this blog a couple years ago.

I've missed it and am restarting today...

Since 2017 (when I wrote my last post), the world seems to have gone crazy. I'm talking about how everything has gotten so politicized that friends aren't talking, families have split apart, and none of the old rules seem to apply anymore. I was never much interested in politics. To my surprise, I've become quite outspoken and willing to share my stance on a number of topics on social media. I think this filled my need to write, hence my absence on kissimple.

A heavy toll befell me in 2018 when I lost my mother, aunt and both in-laws, all in succession. Through this experience I learned just how tired a person can become. The incredible sadness coupled with endless things that had to be done and so many deadlines, along physically running to hospitals, nursing homes, hospice facilities, and then closing up multiple households. It was such a brutal challenge to bear. I'm horrified I didn't memorialize here what I was feeling. Perhaps its just as well as my need for healing was great and being quiet was my best medicine.

You can never appreciate something like this until it happens to you. We all try to understand and commiserate with others when they experience death or other great loss, but the real strain can't be expressed in words. You must feel it.

I'm now on the "other side" of this experience. What helped was throwing myself into political discussions on social media and becoming part of a group that is supportive of my feelings and lets me know I'm not really crazy.

For all the negativity today concerning politics and social media, it is good being connected and not being alone. Recently my social media group has started to talk about leaving the platform because of all the trolling and ugliness. Uniformly we all affirmed we can't leave unless we all go and find a better substitute... I guess we're now family. This feels good!