Changing of the Guard - Senior Status

My mother passed away in 2018. So did both of my in-laws who were like a second set of parents to me. I also lost my dear aunt, my father's sister who kept him alive after his death.

Now it's 2023 and the weight of all that loss is heavy upon me.

I think this is coming about because I'm finally aware what this means for me. I'm now in the outer band where the senior members of the family orbit. This outer band is where things move more slowly -- it takes longer to complete a full rotation, after all. That is how this new reality seems to me.

And while a full rotation takes longer, the number of trips you have left are fewer... as if the energy it takes to continue is greater, so your battery drains faster. Or, it could be we're recharging mechanisms and spinning faster toward the center keeps you fully charged. 

The vacuum left by my elders passing has sucked me up to the outer band and I'm trying to figure out the impacts.

Of course, the most immediate change is there's nobody to ask questions about family history. At least once each week I need some tidbit of information and only my mother would know the answer. I mentioned this to my remaining aunt, her sister, who said that happens to her also all the time. I don't know if we should have asked more questions while Mom was with us or if Mom kept all this info to herself to make her more valuable to us. Either way, we're having to go without knowing the answers.

Another annoyance I've uncovered is it turns out my mother-in-law was the glue that held the family together -- immediate and extended. Now that she's no longer filling this need, I am at a loss to know what is happening with other family members. My two sisters-in-law were never much interested in the family matters and aren't stepping up. So if I want to know, I need to make it my business to keep in touch. Same goes for my own distant relatives. So, my Christmas card list has tripled as I try to maintain a connection with my mothers cousins and their children.

The most troublesome part of rising into the outer band is how it affects you bodily. It must be the atmosphere up there that causes joints to start aching and backs to get stooped, because none of that was noticed while enjoying life closer to the center.

Alas, it's time to acknowledge and try to embrace life as a senior player on the team. That will be my journey into the next calendar and chronological new year.

The Holidays are Coming - Oh No! I Need to Change.

 The holidays are coming, the holidays are coming... fast!

I feel the need to start preparing even though it's still October. I hate the holiday rush, so that's why I need to start early.

I'd hoped to celebrate these holidays in a new place, in a new house and start making new memories. It didn't happen... but there was positive forward movement, so that's a plus and a type of win.

Maybe I can introduce some new things into our family traditions  to keep this momentum going...

What could that be I wonder... After all, it's the excitement of doing something new that I need right now.

In thinking about this further, I see there are guardrails set in which I must proceed.

Frist, we will need to celebrate in our house. This is the home where our children grew up. This is truly not all that important to me, but it is to my spouse. So I must respect this requirement.

(Side note:  My husband has a Christmas tradition of deep cleaning the entire house in preparation for the holidays. He says he likes to start the new church and calendar years with a clean home. I know this is aweful sounding, but I hate when he disrupts everything for weeks to get this done. When he finishes around December 20, it's a huge rush on me to decorate, wrap gifts, bake cookies, etc. because I can't do these things while he has moved everything around and has dragged cleaning gear up from the basement -- I'm talking mops, pails, bottles and sprayers, towels and rags... you get the picture. Oh, and not only does he move every piece of furniture to treat our hardwood floors, I have to help with all this rearranging because it's not a one person job. Argh! Why can't we just go away and enjoy being together!! Okay, I'm done whining... I think.)

We had a nice tradition of having our parents all together on Christmas Eve, when we prepared a feast of things we normally wouldn't eat. We had many years together doing this and it was exciting to dream up and plan those meals. Four years ago, we lost all the grandparents and our uncle. So, we started a new tradition built upon our ethic background -- meatless Christmas Eve meals. So this too will be a requirement. But one where I've had less engagement in planning as it's become the thing my husband and daughter enjoy preparing.

A family tradition from my side of the family is making my Grandmother's German Christmas cookies using her recipes from the old country. These are not simple to make, and each recipe takes two days to complete. I work hard on these cookies and mail them to my out-of-state brother and aunt, who appreciate having a reminder of Grandma during the holidays. However, when I state I need time to make these cookies (instead of moving furniture around from room to room), I'm told to not bother making the cookies because nobody likes them anyway! Well, I like them a lot and I get pleasure from sharing them with far-away relatives, so it seems I'm putting pressure on myself - or so I'm told. 

Another family tradition is to not open gifts until Christmas morning. Even though my children are grown now, no gifts are placed beneath the tree as they retire on Christmas Eve to bed. But, like a miracle all the gifts have appeared under the tree when everyone wakes up the next morning. To be honest, this tradition started to wan last year as my "kids" stated it wasn't necessary to wait until they'd gone to bed to bring out the presents. So, scratch off that requirement.

Stockings, another family tradition and yes, hung over the fireplace stuffed with candies and fun little gifts. Again, last year, I was told it wasn't necessary to do stockings anymore. What? I always have so much fun finding those trinkets and watching them played with before we dove into the gift pile beneath the tree. Oh well, there goes another requirement.

As I write this (so cathartic) I realize now why I feel the joy has left in my Christmas prep... I've lost the things I enjoyed doing for my family that I equate with preparing for the holidays.

What to do?

Clearly I need to adjust my expectations based on realizing I was doing all these things for me, not for them. I can chose to continue and just don't expect to get different results. I can make peace with the fact that I'm doing this for myself if I choose to continue.

Well, since it hasn't been working, I need to change my expectations since that's all I can control.

I haven't yet figured out what form this will take... maybe the simplest thing is to just go along with what the rest of the family thinks is great and enjoy it!

(Sorry for the whine, but this was helpful self-exploration... nobody reads this stuff anyway!)

Why Do This?

 I love to write, to express myself in words, to capture my emotions on paper.

My goal when I began Kissimple was to write daily, the "for fun" type writing, I mean. I write daily in my professional life, but that type writing actually stifles my creativity. Business and technical writing I do well, very well. What I want to do well is creative writing. And, I know that takes daily work/practice.

These entries are mostly just for me -- which is good because I think I'm the only person reading them. There have been posts were I've stretched and others were I've just let the juices flow.

Even though I say I'm writing these posts for little old me, I'd love to find a medium where I would get feedback on the things I write so I can use it to improve. (I hear someone out there saying, "go take a class.") I got my undergraduate degree in English and took freelance writing classes to no avail. I'm happy as long as my writing keeps improving... even if its just for me, myself and I.

I recently applied for a paid writer position. I didn't have a fancy portfolio of references and publications. I have my business/technical writing, Linkedin articles and this blog -- not exactly the mark of a professional. I knew it when I applied, but I hoped my enthusiasm and promise would appeal to them. 

One positive from that experience is I got a human to email me about not making the cut... a rarity in this time of bots. I wrote her back and thanked her very much for letting me know, that it was much appreciated.

smile

Stay Positive

Being positive is my natural state. Which leads to me share an observation. People are more drawn more to negative news, complaining, creating and joining in the drama of every day life. I think it's because these negative voices are louder, they attract more attention and they illicite consolation. 

You don't get the same type response when you're sending out positive messages. And yet, being positive has so many rewards. 

The health rewards of a positive attitude include: 

Increased life span.

Lower rates of depression.

Lower levels of distress.

Greater resistance to the common cold and other sicknesses.

Better psychological and physical well-being.
Better cardiovascular health and reduced risk of death from cardiovascular disease.

As if these weren't enough reasons, here are the top five benefits of positive thinking:

Better stress-coping mechanisms. 
Better mental health. 
Better physical health. 
Better social life. 
More success.

 My goal in life is to be happy. With this one guiding principle, everything else falls into place. These rules work for me, so I'm sharing.

Worrying doesn't help, it only makes you crazy.

Stick with positive people and avoid the negative ones.

Misery does indeed love company, so don't get dragged into negativity.

Complaining makes you feel bad and can cause others to avoid you.

Complaining never fixes anything, instead take positive action.

Find and focus on the positive - it's there if you look for it.

Know you can't change other people, only yourself.

You are responsible for your own happiness!

Here are some practices to think positive thoughts

Focus on the good things. Challenging situations and obstacles are a part of life.

Practice gratitude.

Keep a gratitude journal.

Open yourself up to humor and be able to laugh at yourself,

Spend time with positive people.

Practice positive self-talk.

Identify your areas of negativity.

Start every day on a positive note.

Given the choice of walking through each day in sunshine vs. darkness, I'll chose sunshine very time. Let's all get happier and spread this brightness around. It will make a huge difference.

The New Professionalism

I just read an article on Linkedin and it made me stop and think. It's about the standards of professionalism and what that means today vs. in the past. A social media executive, says needing to act "professional" is simply outdated.

In reading the article and the comments it elicited, I quickly realized the main point was about the image you project, specifically focused on individual style choices and behavior (i.e., "I'm bubbly and chatty.") 

I've worked for a silicon valley high tech firm that disdained the "dress for success" attitude. In fact, we had suits on the wall with banned symbols across them. I completely enjoyed dressing how I was comfortable while in the office. But, when I made sales calls it was a different matter. It was important for me to not push too hard against the client culture because I needed people to listen to what I was saying and not be distracted by what I was wearing.

This points out how you cannot make a blatant statement about professionalism being outdated. It depends on your role in the company. If you are customer-facing, it could not be entirely up to you. In the tech firm I just mentioned, company leaders showed up at customer meetings looking like they were important people with critical things to impart. They understood how one appears can distract attention away from what needs to get done.

In the tech world, work environments tend to be tightly configured in large open spaces. Voices carry and there are few workspaces set aside to hold personal conversations. As for how you act in the office, being bubbly and chatty is fine, but don't do it where you can distract people who are working. That's not being unprofessional, it's just plain being disrespectful of your colleagues. 

Younger workers think they are breaking down outmoded morays but it really depends... if you're an inside the company worker who never deals with clients it's a different ballgame. It's up to company leadership to decide how they want to present their company to clients visiting for meetings and demos. Busily working people looks good no matter how they are dressed. But, chatty folks congregating instead of working will have the opposite impact. 

There has to be some standard for the office since we all need to be there together and coexist.

https://www.linkedin.com/news/story/dont-hide-your-true-self-in-a-suit-4573857/

When You're Jack

I'm a Jack of all trades sort of person. My various roles have taught me a lot which I'm able to apply to virtually any situation. Being this type was once really valuable, but is it holding true today?

Of course, nothing beats experience!

However, as I've become one of the older folks in the room I started noticing my input being dismissed "because things have changed." Yes, and the more things change, the more they stay the same is my reply.

I'm a problem solver. In order to fix a problem, you need to really understand the problem and look at it from all angles. How do you know you really have a problem? Is there a deviation from expectation? What's the proof that the problem is real? Why do we care about fixing this problem, what are its impacts and on whom? What are the causes, what's driving the problem? 

No problem is unique, even though everyone thinks their problem is. This is why having seen a lot of problems in many different environments and situations makes being Jack a really valuable thing. I have history, examples with solutions, credibility and expertise at solving similar problems. This skillset only comes with years of experience, you can't learn it in a classroom.

I'm proud of my battle scars. 

 

Valuable Commodity

Common Sense is what I'm talking about today. Common sense helps us make smarter choices. In order to reflect on the choices before you, you need to pause and think before you act! I think this is the root cause of many of our troubles today. People aren't taking time to consider choices before them and the consequences of their actions. But then, I may be giving people credit for caring about more than themselves. But let's assume people generally do care about others and that they do want to avoid problems.

This is where common sense comes in.

If you just react without taking time to consider conditions and think through the ramifications of all possible actions you could take, then you are basically throwing caution to the wind. Or are you? There are people who have developed strong intuition based on their life experience. For those who have this, I'd say that's common sense. It's everyone else to whom I say, please slow down and think about what you're about to do.

Acting is making a commitment to the result.

If you are prepared to take responsibility for the result, go for it! But, if you're not, who do you think will help you out if that action was ultimately a bad one?

I think, as a society, we've lost our ability to proactively consider the consequences of our actions. I learned in my life lessons that there is always a counteraction for every action. I've learned to think before I act to avoid bad things happening. This is an important life skill. One, I think too many people have been sheltered from learning by overprotective parents, overworked teachers, and over glorified role models whose hard work to get to where they are is never talked about.

Growing up I was told life is hard. It can be, especially if you don't have any common sense.