Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Oh, Those Golden Years

I'm getting a lesson from my elderly mother and in-laws.  My 84 year old mother is hospitalized with acute bronchitis.  My 93 year old father-in-law is in the same hospital with congestive heart failure.  His 91 year old wife has dementia and keeps saying, "Why do they call these the golden years!"

It's not that our family is having to deal with all this at once, but that's not any fun, it's that everyone had been healthy up to now.  This really gives you pause about what it's like to be near the end of your life and how you'll act when faced with a serious health issue in advanced age.

My father-in-law is acting crazy, probably due to a combination of medicine, stress and being ancient.  My mother-in-law is constantly crying and asking where it's her husband.  My own mother is hepped up on steroids and other meds that she is beyond being on edge, and seems fixated on making sure everyone knows she had a DNR order.  Really!

Just got a call from the hospital that my father-in-law is agitated and someone needs to come stay with him.  After 4 days, we're all exhausted.  We are starting to see this won't just go away, but we could be in for a long ride.

So, is living longer really a blessing?  In times like these, it makes you wonder!

Friday, September 12, 2014

I am Woman - Like that Purse

I grew up with the feminist movement, but I never really got it.  I never had many women friends, and I found the typical girlish behaviors annoying.  I was a real tom-boy as a child, and since  I didn't have a sister, I always felt apart from the sisterhood. 

Two events of today made me ponder the impacts of being white and female.  I was in DC this afternoon and came across a rally about Black Power and the Evil White Devil.  It was impossible to avoid hearing the insightful rhetoric being used to rile-up the crowd as I had to wade through the protestors who were blocking the sidewalk outside a metro station.  What they were saying didn't bother me, because I am a stanch supporter of free speech.  Having to pass by this staged event twice made me think about race and gender influencing how we treat each other.

Heading back home from DC on the metro with this heightened awareness, I was focused on the other women around me -- a mix of Asian, African-American and Latino females.  They were reading, tending children, listening to music and one was locking lips with a cute young man.  As I studied them, none was aware of me.  I felt we should be not only aware of each other, but feeling the power of our femininity as we sat so close to each other.  I really wanted to tell the woman in front of me that her taste in purses was outstanding.  I would have liked to share my recent reading exploits with the woman next to me who was reading a best seller.  I could have shared stories about raising kids with the mother totting a stroller and a toddler. 

There is so much we have in common. We're not all that different and as I sat there feeling oddly connected with those strangers, I really wanted them to look up and smile, acknowledging we are sisters under the flesh. 

We just are not attuned to other people (unless they are sending electronic messages to our phones and tablets.)  Those angry, energetic young black men preaching on the street today were doing what they felt was needed to get people to break out of their comfort zones.  I agree with the need for the masses to wake up.  I only wish the message was more compassionate, and that we all could co-exist in peace.  Come-on girls, let's start the dialog and start breaking down barriers that keep us apart.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

I'm Baaaaack

I took a year off, but now I'm back to writing this blog.  In the time I was away from doing this, I found I missed a great deal from not taking time to reflect and understand my reactions and feelings.

So, I'm back.  And, I have some things to work through.

I have learned over the past year how blessed my life has been in that it has been drama free.  A year ago, extended family drama bled over into my world.  I normally deflect negativity, especially when it adds no value.  By virtue of being part of this family, there was no shelter from the destructiveness of irrational, compulsive, self-centered behavior of others.  Sadly, I found myself wrapped-up in the drama and it's taken some toll on my personal relationship within the family, as well as ripping away my peace-of-mind when I found myself under siege via the continuous stream of negative emails and phone calls.

Then I took a step back, prompted by taking personal action to get the facts and make my own conclusions rather than be swept further into the family discord  by dueling factions.  What I found was the situation was just as dire as before, but I could control the emotional upheaval and refuse to take part in it by focusing on what legally needed to be done to bring about resolution.  Everyone may not be satisfied in the end, but at least we will get across the finish line, alive!

I'm very unhappy with myself that I allowed nine months of my life to get sucked into this swirling mess.  And, I'm really happy I've exited this negativity game.

And, in the end, it came down to only one thing - I have the power to control my own reactions and decisions.  I always knew that, but I (sadly) was suckered into the emotional game-playing of others.  Another life lesson, once again proving you are never too old to learn new things - or in this case, relearn and reinforce what you already know.

I talked this over with my daughter who is working on her doctorate of  Clinical Psychology.  She was very insightful when I asked why some people seem to need drama in their lives.  She said, people who lack confidence are afraid to make decisions, so they are constantly asking others for input, but are so paralyzed by all the options, they need to keep reevaluating the choices while stirring emotions to keep everyone involved (therefore, being available to play this game.)  And, by involving so many parties, they have many outlets for placing blame should they make the wrong decisions.  Lastly, pinning blame on others deflects attention away from them, allowing them to join the crowd of rock throwers.

I think that's a pretty good description of what I went through.  My positive from this experience is I now am better equipped to shutdown this destructive behavior right from the start. Or at least, see it's happening and employ my exit strategy.

At least that's my hope!