Thankfulness is in the Eye of the Beholder

It's Thanksgiving and everyone in America is counting their blessings...and eating too much food and watching football!

For me, this is the first year Thanksgiving has become a pain instead of a pleasure.  Our family is experiencing problems that have created a rift and this holiday is forcing us to act normal.  I wish that was a true statement all around.  My niece has decided to not participate with the rest of us today because of this trouble - interestingly, she's at the center of the issue due to her immaturity and selfishness, and having no regard for her grandparents in their waning years.  I admit I am not unhappy she is not coming.

Because of this unpleasant situation, we are having our Thanksgiving dinner on neutral ground, being served instead of serving.  While its for the best, it's an affront to our traditions -- we won't have our homemade kielbasa and kapusta, nor Busia's pork dressing.  I will really miss the warm kitchen and fixing all the food.  It's a lot of work, but it's also a labor of love.

There is no love in the family this year, for which I'm not only sad, but devastated.  Even worse, I don't see a way to mend the fracture, I know this is one of our last Thanksgivings together.

Mix in my daughter will be spending the holiday alone in Chicago where she's in graduate school, and the hole just gets bigger.

My son put the exclamation point on the whole situation when he declared he loves Thanksgiving and this won't be it!  I hope his "Friendsgiving" last weekend helps make up for this sorry state.

Despite it all, I am very thankful for the way my life has turned out.  I have a fantastic husband and great children who make me very happy!  I love my job and am looking forward to many good things in the coming years.  I  only wish others in our family could realize how their selfish behaviors and misguided intentions has negatively affected us all.  But, I realize if this were possible, we wouldn't be in this strained situation.  My sadness about the disintegration of our family is shared by my father-in-law who keeps saying he thought we were stronger than this.

I thought so too, Dzia Dzia!

RePurpose - Day 8

The sandwich generation.

Just got a big dose of learning what this mean from spending the past eight weeks carrying for my mother and helping her through three hospitalizations and two rehabilitation periods.

My mother and I have always had a different type of relationship.  If we weren't mother and daughter, we would not even be friends.  We just aren't very compatible.  Never were.  From the very start, Mom went right back to work after I was born.  My being born premature and spending my first month in the hospital may not have helped us bond.  And, I was colicy.  Nuff said!

While Mom went to work, my dad and I spent a lot of time together and I became "Daddy's girl." Five years later, my brother joined us and he aligned with my mother.  To this day, he is her favorite. And, I'm good with that.  I am happy she had him to give her the joy of mothering.  As a mother, I realize how much that means to a woman and I'd never begrudge my mother her feelings.

As things turned out, my brother has always been removed from us as his work moved him around and he left home as a teen to attend private school. I am the child who stayed close to home (though I always envisioned myself moving around and seeing the world!)  As I had my own family, we included my mother in all our family activities, resulting in her now having a close relationship with my son and daughter.  This makes me happy.  Another thing that is most wonderful is my closeness with my own daughter!  We have had our growing pains, but now are good friends.

One thing my mother did for me was ensure I was exposed to many things while growing up.  She believed childhood was a time to try new things and learn to test yourself.  My mother positioned me to become a strong woman.  As I grew up and started my career, my mother and I grew closer talking about challenges in our respective jobs.  She gave good advice and listened with interest to my tales, triumphs and blunders.  This began our nightly routine of after-dinner calls to talk about our day. More recently, the weekends have evolved into shopping trips together and finding new places to eat. I guess we were finally friends.

This health incident forced us to be together nearly all the time, in reverse roles where I am the caregiver, It didn't always go smoothly as we grew tired and our endurance was tested.  But, we made it... so far!

RePurpose Day 7

I learned very early in life how to be still, quiet and patient.

Over all, these are highly useful skills, all necessary to be as observant as needed to scope out any situation.

My early practice was precipitated by my desire to get close to wild animals.  Ultimately, I became very good at stalking or awaiting animals and birds, then learned how to move through the woods quietly, then allowed my human energy to mingle with that of the animal to build trust, allowing us to share the same physical space.

Later, I used this "power" to watch other humans without being noticed, something that enabled me to control the situation once I did engage.  It was amazingly easy.

This is one of my lost abilities I wish to regain.  I've begun practicing with animals, and have some success recently with deer.  Oh, I can feel myself getting stronger!

Health Care Observations

I've spent the last 5 weeks assisting my mother with health issues, hospitalizations (two) and taking care of her affairs while she was in rehabilitation.  This had been an experience for us both as neither of us had, thankfully, been sick for any true length of time.

Being the sole caregiver for this period was something I did without reservation.  I've always stepped up when needed, so they're was no hesitation.  Being in this situation made me realize you need to be your own advocate for your family member who is institutionalized. 

Seems health care in general is about treatments converted by insurance and by Medicare.  Mom is entitled to visiting nurses, home health care, in-home physical therapy, and a bunch of stuff.  Well, that's just great.  Does she need all this?

Medications were switched around from place to place until it was so confused I didn't know what to do.  That's the real help we received from the visiting nurse today, helping sorry that out and calling doctors on our behalf.  It worked! 

Length of stay seemed designed around coverages, but in truth that worked out too.

I'm ready to return to life as normal, but that'll be another week or so.

RePurpose - Day 6

I love the sound of rain on the roof.  It reminds me of summer rainy nights at camp as a child.  This sound is so restful.

Hearing is such great sense, one I am very aware of as I now need hearing aids to get along.

I have always enjoyed listening to nature and learning what creature originates each sound.  Just the other day, I sat by the local reservoir just listening.  Yesterday, I laid in my hammock, listening.  And, now I'm laying in bed listening to the gentle train on the roof.

My quest is to be attuned to my surroundings.  Listening is la major tool to make this happen.

RePurpose - Day 5

Technology, can't live without it... Or can we?

Until you lose power, you don't realize how dependent upon electricity and our many technical objects we have become.

Even though I work in the IT field, I think life had become too easy, making humans lazy and put off touch with the rest of nature. 

Growing up, I spent all the summer days outside, even learning camp craft to be able to track using the sun, build fires using only one match, and living of the land.  When I return home from camp, I couldn't adjust to the noise and all I wanted was to be back in the woods.

I value nature and treasure my camp experiences.  If I were the only human in my house, I wouldn't own a television.  I would install solar panels and get a rain barrel.  I'd have a garden and I'd hang my clothes outside to dry.  But, could I give up my computer? 

No!  I believe in the good that's come from our technology.  I'm struggling with what it will take to get everyone to share a cousin of our future where we use our brain power for global good.

I fear that will be the collapse of our ecosystem.  I hope to be prepared, but I haven't yet started.  Pray there's time...

RePurpose - Day 4

Family is something wonderful that we often take for granted.  Everyone dis, it's natural.  Family is one of those things you really miss when you don't have it anymore.

I come from a small family, and a small extended family.  As a child, we'd gather with all the extended family just to get a good sized crowd gathered.  For some reason, we tend to start our child rearing later in life, so all the adults in my early life were already in mid-life.  By the time I graduated college, they were staying to pass on to their heavenly rewards.

As the result, I've had few relatives, and must of them have loved in other states.  So, I adopted my husband's larger immediate family and his really large extended family as my own.

Tonight, one of my the first cousins can into town from Louisiana, and he is staying the night with us.  It's so good to have a blood relative here, it's something i cherish.  We have family ties and shared memories very few other people have in common with me.  It makes me happy because I really miss all those good souls from so long ago... My grandmother, aunt, uncles, father, and all the loving folks who made me who I am.

I never forget them, I recall their stories as I travel places they once occupied.  Several years ago we celebrated the hundredth anniversary of our family church - built by four families, all German immigrants, from which my grandmother and grandfather were descendants.  In the first organ peels and voices raised, years stand down my face as all the monitors of my beloved family members who say in those pews and sang the same hymns came flooding into my awareness.  Oh how I miss them all!

Oh how much appreciate having my cousin here tonight. 

RePurpose - Day,3

Anger is a truly human emotion.  So is frustration, which is frequently the cause of anger.  One of the goals I have of this RePurpose is to regain balance - balance that enables, empowers me to regard situations without emotion, to size up the players and act with purpose.

I once had mastered this ability.

I could have used it today.  I'm dealing with a pair of sick elders who are angry, miserable and seem to enjoy pushing other people's buttons.  I know it's frustrating to no longer be able to care for yourself or do things as you'd like.I know it's impossible to be civil when you're suffering.I know it's got to be scary to face your own demise. Oh, I could go on.

Would that I could have just been detached from the insanity that affronted me.  Perhaps, not reacting would have influenced a return to normalcy rather than allowing bad behavior to continue.

I need to practice, practice, practice.

RePurpose - Day 2

As a child, I spent a lot of time in the woods.  I learned how to sit quietly and listen to the sounds of the world and the woodland inhabitants. I became attuned to earth's patterns and could move about with incredible ease in near silence.

Today, I began my journey to regain the self sense of my life back in the woods.I inhaled the delicious smells and rapidly aligned my rhythms with that of nature surrounding me.  How wonderful I felt.

Then, I came upon a buck, who was grazing along the horse path. Next, as I quietly traveled the road toward the reservoir, I spotted a doe standing guard stop the hill.  I stayed my ground and gained her trust, for as she entered the thick brush, three fawns dashed out from the other side of the road roo join their mother on the other side.  The sight of those babies made my heart leap fir joy.  Being allowed to stay that close was like being s child again, attuned with nature - no, being pay off the natural order!

Such a great experience

Good start of my quest to regain myself, for I was once a child of the forest and s lover of all thing natural.

RePurpose - Day 1

Purposely spent today quietly to tee-center and get balance after two weeks dealing with sick parents.  Was the perfect day for this ad it was dark and rainy, with a fall chill.  And, it's Columbus Day, but I had to work.

Being alone and sitting quietly while being productive did wonders for me!  I feel like myself, that is the current me.  My goal is to reflect and examine until I regain a send of my earlier self... A self I don't want to lose and very much hope to bring back into my active thinking.

Wish me luck!

RePurpose

I started writing this blog to capture my reflections and get back to living life in its simple form.  As always, life got in the way, and I haven't been as diligent as I'd planned about writing daily.  Since this is really something I'm doing for myself, it may not even matter how frequently I post, but I think it does matter.  After all, if you want to form a habit, you must be repetitive.

So, l'm going to give it another try.

My desire is to regain the deep sense of being I once had.  I really knew myself well and I found that gave me incredible power.  I used that power to get what I wanted.I got what I wanted because I was confident in knowing myself.

Over the years, I ran into people who didn't like me because I was so confident and they tried to break me down.  One terrible situation did break of a piece which I never regained.  Sadly.

Another time, I ended up in a real cat fight orchestrated by a mad man for his own enjoyment.  Happily, I prevailed and even documented what he was doing which later was used to get him fired.

In the end of my career working for the federal government, I wound up on the wrong side of a political coup and had to get legal help and again prevailed. Although I did nothing to deserve what was happening, it takes pieces away.  I guess I'm lucky I still have most of my pieces.  I've met people who've lost them all.

What I know is it's critical to always be the consummate professional and never let the bastards get you down!

As a child, I spent a lot of time thinking about things. I got to know myself well. I want to get to know myself well again.  Oh, I'm not saying I've lost my purpose, or forgotten who I am.  No, but I couldn't immediately tell you what I think about any given subject without having to stop and think about it.

I want to have answers for any question, situation or circumstance I encounter.  So it begins...

Golden Years 3

I've talked about the downside of carrying for elderly parents who are sick and hospitalized.  The upside is being able to help them and make them comfortable.

After multiple trips to the ER THIS past week, looks like my 93-year old father-in-law is feeling better and is more lucid today.  It filled me with joy to see him able to enjoy his meeting paper and be able to get around today. 

My mother is still in the hospital and is getting irritable after being sick for weeks and bedridden/chair-ridden all week.  There isn't much I can do for her, except bring her diet Pepsi's and try to make her comfortable.

This is really a case study and contrast in how differently people handle illness and hospitalization.  Also, how family members react and respond.  It's not all good or bad, just humans at our most basic!

Golden Years 2

I've learned a lot about the mind-body connection this last week as I've dealt with life-threatening illness with my mother and father-in-law.

Old age isn't pretty and it's not fun!  Elderly bodies don't bounce back and it's highly stressful to go through this.  But, it's the children caregivers that are adding the problem - me included.  As the old saying goes, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions!"

I know this sounds bad, but I believe in euthanasia and if someone is worn down and in pain and won't survive, there should be available options for them. 

Neither of my charges are at that point, but I admit I'd like to kill my family members for being so stubborn, self-interested and annoying!

Guess that's normal under these circumstances.

Oh, Those Golden Years

I'm getting a lesson from my elderly mother and in-laws.  My 84 year old mother is hospitalized with acute bronchitis.  My 93 year old father-in-law is in the same hospital with congestive heart failure.  His 91 year old wife has dementia and keeps saying, "Why do they call these the golden years!"

It's not that our family is having to deal with all this at once, but that's not any fun, it's that everyone had been healthy up to now.  This really gives you pause about what it's like to be near the end of your life and how you'll act when faced with a serious health issue in advanced age.

My father-in-law is acting crazy, probably due to a combination of medicine, stress and being ancient.  My mother-in-law is constantly crying and asking where it's her husband.  My own mother is hepped up on steroids and other meds that she is beyond being on edge, and seems fixated on making sure everyone knows she had a DNR order.  Really!

Just got a call from the hospital that my father-in-law is agitated and someone needs to come stay with him.  After 4 days, we're all exhausted.  We are starting to see this won't just go away, but we could be in for a long ride.

So, is living longer really a blessing?  In times like these, it makes you wonder!

I am Woman - Like that Purse

I grew up with the feminist movement, but I never really got it.  I never had many women friends, and I found the typical girlish behaviors annoying.  I was a real tom-boy as a child, and since  I didn't have a sister, I always felt apart from the sisterhood. 

Two events of today made me ponder the impacts of being white and female.  I was in DC this afternoon and came across a rally about Black Power and the Evil White Devil.  It was impossible to avoid hearing the insightful rhetoric being used to rile-up the crowd as I had to wade through the protestors who were blocking the sidewalk outside a metro station.  What they were saying didn't bother me, because I am a stanch supporter of free speech.  Having to pass by this staged event twice made me think about race and gender influencing how we treat each other.

Heading back home from DC on the metro with this heightened awareness, I was focused on the other women around me -- a mix of Asian, African-American and Latino females.  They were reading, tending children, listening to music and one was locking lips with a cute young man.  As I studied them, none was aware of me.  I felt we should be not only aware of each other, but feeling the power of our femininity as we sat so close to each other.  I really wanted to tell the woman in front of me that her taste in purses was outstanding.  I would have liked to share my recent reading exploits with the woman next to me who was reading a best seller.  I could have shared stories about raising kids with the mother totting a stroller and a toddler. 

There is so much we have in common. We're not all that different and as I sat there feeling oddly connected with those strangers, I really wanted them to look up and smile, acknowledging we are sisters under the flesh. 

We just are not attuned to other people (unless they are sending electronic messages to our phones and tablets.)  Those angry, energetic young black men preaching on the street today were doing what they felt was needed to get people to break out of their comfort zones.  I agree with the need for the masses to wake up.  I only wish the message was more compassionate, and that we all could co-exist in peace.  Come-on girls, let's start the dialog and start breaking down barriers that keep us apart.

I'm Baaaaack

I took a year off, but now I'm back to writing this blog.  In the time I was away from doing this, I found I missed a great deal from not taking time to reflect and understand my reactions and feelings.

So, I'm back.  And, I have some things to work through.

I have learned over the past year how blessed my life has been in that it has been drama free.  A year ago, extended family drama bled over into my world.  I normally deflect negativity, especially when it adds no value.  By virtue of being part of this family, there was no shelter from the destructiveness of irrational, compulsive, self-centered behavior of others.  Sadly, I found myself wrapped-up in the drama and it's taken some toll on my personal relationship within the family, as well as ripping away my peace-of-mind when I found myself under siege via the continuous stream of negative emails and phone calls.

Then I took a step back, prompted by taking personal action to get the facts and make my own conclusions rather than be swept further into the family discord  by dueling factions.  What I found was the situation was just as dire as before, but I could control the emotional upheaval and refuse to take part in it by focusing on what legally needed to be done to bring about resolution.  Everyone may not be satisfied in the end, but at least we will get across the finish line, alive!

I'm very unhappy with myself that I allowed nine months of my life to get sucked into this swirling mess.  And, I'm really happy I've exited this negativity game.

And, in the end, it came down to only one thing - I have the power to control my own reactions and decisions.  I always knew that, but I (sadly) was suckered into the emotional game-playing of others.  Another life lesson, once again proving you are never too old to learn new things - or in this case, relearn and reinforce what you already know.

I talked this over with my daughter who is working on her doctorate of  Clinical Psychology.  She was very insightful when I asked why some people seem to need drama in their lives.  She said, people who lack confidence are afraid to make decisions, so they are constantly asking others for input, but are so paralyzed by all the options, they need to keep reevaluating the choices while stirring emotions to keep everyone involved (therefore, being available to play this game.)  And, by involving so many parties, they have many outlets for placing blame should they make the wrong decisions.  Lastly, pinning blame on others deflects attention away from them, allowing them to join the crowd of rock throwers.

I think that's a pretty good description of what I went through.  My positive from this experience is I now am better equipped to shutdown this destructive behavior right from the start. Or at least, see it's happening and employ my exit strategy.

At least that's my hope!